I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
