the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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