I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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