On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
