sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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