The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
