is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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