I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
