I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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