That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
