i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
