I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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