can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
