I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
