i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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