life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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