Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
