I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
no, he came in my armpit
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
