I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
