my mouth tastes like poor choices
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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