Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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