I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You're a waste of cheezeits
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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