The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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