Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
