I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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