I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
