Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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