I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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