I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
