WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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