The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
