She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
