the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pants are for mortals
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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