You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
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there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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