Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
