when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
