Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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