everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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