pop tarts are not kleenex
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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