saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...