I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
