I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
