Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
