when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was born a porn star she said
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
