My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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