I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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