And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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