I can tuck mytits in my pants
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Let's get the cat blown out
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
