i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
