my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
