Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
