I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
