Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
