I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
