I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
