My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
