Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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