Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
