my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
