My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
