the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
